A to Z Blogging Challenge...

So, I was meaning to start this on April 1, because it seems like something I could do, but so far, I've been slacking...(Yeah, I'm gonna give you guys permission to flog me later, m'kay...)

Anyway, I think I can still catch up though, so here goes:

A is for Apathy...

B is for Blue...

C is for Cry...

D is for Depression...

E is for Empathy...

F is for Friends...

G is for Ghastly...

H is for Healthy...

and today's is I, which in my world right now, is for Indecisive...

Now before I get into what each one of those means for me, let me just add this picture, which happens to sum up how I've been feeling of late:

I got it from a FB friend but it was originally posted by Andrew French, so thank you Sir, for bringing this to us...

Anyway, let's just jump right in to the rest of it.

A is for Apathy, which I struggle with everyday. There are times that I don't even want to get out of bed. I do, mainly because the cats gotta eat and in order to put food in their bowl, I have to work.

B is for Blue. This is the color of eyes that fill with water whenever I give myself a moment to think about things I really shouldn't think about.

C is for Cry. Naturally this follows B up there because I have to stop myself from doing it for no apparent good reason sometimes.

D is for Depression. Yes, it's a disease. Yes, I have struggled with it all my life. No, it never truly goes away. Sometimes things come along that can make me forget about it, but it's always right there, hovering in the back of my head like a rain storm on the horizon, ready to open up and soak me to the bone every moment of every day.

E is for Empathy. Do I want your pity? Not at all. Do I want your understanding and your willingness to stand there and wait for me to deal with this on my own? Ahyep. I sure do.

F is for Friends. My friends know I struggle with this all the time and now so do you, great big world wide web. Do I put up a good front and keep it mostly to myself? I sure do. Why do I do that you ask? See G...

G is for Ghastly. I feel Ghastly whenever I think people might pity me if I share how I'm feeling on a bad day. I hate to think I might bring someone else into the darkness of my world by sharing. So, I don't.

H is for Healthy. I want to feel Healthy. I want to feel loved and accepted, but I don't. Will I ever? I hope so, I really do...

And then finally...

I is for Indecisive. I wish I was talking about the little things, like what shoes to wear, or what to eat for a meal. But I'm not. No, my Indecision, comes from whether or not I should just throw in the towel and walk away.

Not from life mind you, never that, just from things I have tried and am failing miserably at. Or at least in my mind I am.

But that's part of this disease. My failings - large or small - are compounded a hundred times over and no amount of "words" will convince me otherwise.

(I love all my Friends for trying though and can't express how much it does help pull me back to some semblance of normal on days like today...)

Now, I hear you asking, why the reason for this post? Well, I want people to understand that while I'm normally pretty happy-go-lucky, fun and crazy, on a good day, the depression is still there, just under the surface, ready to boil over at any moment. And I don't want you to take offense at it. It's nothing you have done, or said, it's just me...

Thanks as always for stopping by.

Until next time.

Margaret Taylor